A Mothers heart...

Babies cry. That is a statement of the obvious...I know. However, I have NEVER been good at handling a crying baby or child of any age. When my first niece was born, I was still in college. She was quite a fussy baby, and I remember very clearly how very badly her crying hurt me. I would go visit her often. Every time she would cry I would end up leaving the house to get away from the crying. I would stand in my sisters driveway and cry myself....I always feel so helpless when a baby cries. This intensified when JJ was born. He has always been a little bit spoiled because I cannot ignore his cries. Yes, I know that babies cry when they are mad. They cry to get what they want. They cry for no reason at all. However, despite my motherly instinct of knowing why my boy was crying...I could NEVER ignore it. I always have to pick him up and cuddle him once he reaches the point of crocodile tears whether they are forced or not. Of course, I am the same way with my Miracle girl. When she first came to live with us, she hated bathing. By saying she hated bathing is actually putting it quite lightly. She would scream before she even stepped a foot into the tub. A high, heart wrenching plea. "Please daddy...NO! Please daddy...." I tried to give her the baths at first but had to let daddy take over. I could not handle the anguish of those tears, and yet I knew she needed to get used to bathing. She did of course...and she now begs for a bath every night. Don't get me wrong---I can completely ignore a fake cry. Really, I can. Once a child starts to really cry though...with tears and all...it all goes downhill. This made the newborn months really hard for me. Dropping off my crying baby before work never did get easier....and still kills me every time.

I say all this to explain to you the newest hardship of my week. JJ has been crying, crying, crying. It might be because he is teething or because he is just over tired. It might be because daddy is working crazy hours and our routine is a little different. It could be because he doesn't feel well. I cannot figure it out. I have tried everything. He cried when I dropped him off at daycare this morning,which he rarely does anymore, and he cried for the pettiest things all evening. He is sleeping now, but my poor heart is still hurting for him. I wish I could read his little mind and know whats wrong with my baby. Poor Miracle is feeling quite neglected because JJ is hogging all of my attention...but really...its the crying!

Its funny how children never fully realize the love of their parents until they become one themselves. If only I had known how very much my mother hurt when I made bad choices. If only I had understood how deeply her heart was connected to my happiness. I might have been a better child....but I guess we would all say that. I can say this though...My children will always have my heart. They both have me wrapped around their little fingers as it is...and both JJ and Miracle's pitiful crying will always get my attention and leave me crying right along with them.

as time flies by...

I have not felt much like blogging lately. I learned a lot from Thumper on Bambi...'If you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all!"...and that is just how I have been feeling lately. Totally and completely overwhelmed by life. Don't worry...I see in myself this huge weakness of worrying, and I realize it will hardly get me anywhere in life. Most days I can sum up the strength to over come it, my worrying, but lately it has been tough. August has been a rough month for the Splans. Money is so tight...even the dogs are feeling the repercussions! (They still get plenty of food....but table scraps are few and far between;) You all know how it goes....when something goes bad---it seems that everything starts to fall apart around you. Oh well...things are starting to look up around here, and we are all happy for that. My husband is working lots of extra hours to get us caught up and it has not been very fun. I cannot complain though....God has provided like He promised He would. Also, my wonderful mother is always a huge encouragement. She sent me the sweetest card yesterday....how is it that mothers know just what to say? The stress is not just due to tight finances either. Starting a new school year is always a bit overwhelming. I do not like change, and it always takes me a few weeks to adjust.

After saying all this...let me tell you that I am determined to have a good week this week. My class is starting to get used to their new routine, my Miracle starts k-5 next week, and JJ is growing up more and more every day. I have plenty of things to be excited about and thankful for....I just need to quit focusing on myself! Miracle is so excited to start school that she can hardly stand it. She has asked me at least four or five times a day if tomorrow is school:) As for JJ, Miss Dana decided it was time to get rid of pacies at daycare. (She has several 2 year olds that take a pacy, and she is trying to wean them before her new infant nephew starts coming.) I, of course, was a bit apprehensive. I know JJ needs to get over his pacy, but it keeps him a baby that much longer. Despite my reservations, Miss Dana planned a "Throw the Pacies away party" The kids all threw their own pacies into the garbage and were then rewarded with ice cream. It went so well. JJ no longer takes a pacy at daycare at all! He still gets it for bed time at home...I am not quite ready to give that part up! Also, JJ is getting really close to the potty training stage. I had bought him a plane jane little potty to start practicing on, but he hated it. Yesterday, a friend gave us a spider man seat that sits inside of the big potty seat. JJ LOVED IT:) Unfortunately, he wanted to take it in the bath and everywhere else with him yesterday. It was cute. (Don't worry. I did not approve the playing with the potty seat, but JJ definitely tried for his 'two cents' worth on this issue;)

So you see from earlier in my post why I have not been posting. Thumper was really quite intelligent if you think about it:) However, my children are doing great, and I am dedicated to returning to the blogging world. I promise to keep you updated more often....:)

life is hard...but worth it!

It's been a long week for the Splan clan. We all enjoyed getting back into our regular routine of work and daycare, but we ended up being quite tired every night. It's funny how easily your body forgets routine! JJ and Miracle are none worse for the wear though...in fact, as I sit and type at my computer both kids are running around the house happily. Mommy and Daddy are wiped out...but the kids act like they could go for another 24 hours:)

JJ is starting to come down with a cold so we plan to stay in for the weekend doing absolutely nothing. I had a not so fun trip to the dentist yesterday. It seems that I broke a tooth without realizing it and without proper care it now needs a root canal. Dental work is ridiculously expensive so I will probably just get it pulled. This is NOT my favorite alternative, though it is the cheapest!

This week has really made me think about how thankful I am for my children and their health. I work with special needs children and have to go through yearly training. This year, we had to do an extra training on handling seizures because we have several new kids with different kinds of issues that will be starting this year. I have taught in this area for almost four years now, and I do not go a day with out being reminded of how hard life must be for parents of special needs children. My second year, I had one of my students pass away. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to go through. JJ had just been born, Miracle was four years old, and I was going to a funeral for a five year old. Hugging his mother, I felt so guilty. Guilty because my kids were OK. My kids were healthy. I couldn't even pretend to understand what she was going through, and she was younger than I was. The mother had the pastor read this very special poem about having a child with a disability.

WELCOME TO HOLLAND
by Emily Perl Kingsley.

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability – to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It’s like this……
When you’re going to have a baby, it’s like planning a fabulous vacation trip – to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It’s all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, “Welcome to Holland.”
“Holland?!?” you say. “What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I’m supposed to be in Italy. All my life I’ve dreamed of going to Italy.”
But there’s been a change in the flight plan. They’ve landed in Holland and there you must stay.
The important thing is that they haven’t taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It’s just a different place.
So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It’s just a different place. It’s slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you’ve been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around…. and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills….and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandt's.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy… and they’re all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say “Yes, that’s where I was supposed to go. That’s what I had planned.”
And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away… because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.
But… if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things … about Holland.

This poem sums it up all by itself. These parents may have quite a load, but they still love their kids and enjoy every moment spent with them. I praise God that my two are healthy, but I know in my heart that if God decides to give me a child with special needs I could handle it. After all, I have spent over 3 and 1/2 years seeing some wonderful examples of parents who would do anything for their kids...and have. Going through all of this training and having a glimpse of what these parents go through...has been enough for me this week! I don't find myself to be better than anyone else just because I teach special kids. In fact, at times I find myself wondering why God chose to put me in this profession at all! I am always thankful, however, that I get to be a special part in the lives of each of my students. They may not be able to experience life the way I do, but they get to experience it and its part of my job to help them experience it to the fullest.

OK getting back to what I started talking about (so sorry about that detour)---I am thankful for my children and their health. Need I say more??

PICTURES!

I am back with the updates that I promised. Today went well. I had a lot of meetings which was not that fun...but we all made it through. JJ and Miracle had a blast for their first day back...all that worrying for nothing. Aren't mom's silly? Anyway--here are a few pictures from our fun break last week. Hope you enjoy!

This is a picture of Miracle and JJ enjoying their morning routine or dry cereal and cartoons....JJ is so glad that he finally found his belly...can you tell?

On Saturday, we all took a trip to Falls park in Greenville. Miracle wanted to put her feet in the water with her cousins. They had a blast. JJ is still afraid of most water though we are trying to work through that.

After putting the feet into the dirty river....the splash zone was a must. Again, Miracle and her cousins had a blast!

JJ was so tired by the end of our adventure that daddy had to give him a ride. JJ was so so hot but would not touch the water...

The kids also enjoyed playing in at the park. This teeter totter was their favorite adventure. They pretended it was their air plane!

Overall, we all had a great and relaxing time. I am so looking forward to being able to take JJ swimming someday. Miracle used to have a horrible fear of water and is now a little fish...we are hoping JJ will feel the same way someday!

The end has arrived:(

For all of you who are wondering, we had a wonderful break. I have to admit that I was not the perfect mom. I had to take some time for myself catching up on my favorite Lifetime movies, cleaning, arranging, etc. However, I also spent a lot of good time interacting with my angels. We just had fun doing nothing. We didn't go on vacation. We didn't go out everyday. We didn't get to go on any huge adventures. We just spent time home and together. In JJ and Miracle's little minds...What could be better? I think we all enjoyed it too much and will have a hard time going back to our everyday routine tomorrow. I don't have time to post any of our fun pics from the week today...but stay tuned for some fun pictures to come:) For now, I just need to relax and mentally prepare for tomorrow. My kids love their daycare....however, being the worrier that I am, I am apprehensive about dropping them off tomorrow. I know they don't care that I am a working mom. They enjoy their little friends and enjoy their time at Mrs. Dana's house. However, I have my own self-imposed guilt at being a working mom. After all, it is not the ideal according to how I was raised. Hopefully when my children are grown, they will see that I have spent their entire young life trying to give them a good life. That is why I have to work. I hope they will see this and understand how much I loved them even though I had to drop them off everyday so that I could work. I want them to know that if I ever doubted that they were being well taken care of...I would quit my job in an instant. In my heart, I know they know that I love them more than anything. I know that they are in good hands while I am away, and I know that God is watching out for them too. Hopefully the time we've had together will stick in their minds and "keep them company" when they miss mommy. Because I will miss them...I will think about them all day everyday as I always do. I will do my job and complete my responsibilities and rush home to pick them up like I do everyday. That is all I can say for now...more pics and reports of our exciting first days back are to come:) For all who are reading this....keep my little Miracle and JJ in your thoughts and prayers tomorrow as they get back into their routines:)